jazzielovesyou blogging at elowel.org
04/16/2006 04-17-06 12:31
Uncertainties about your living arrangements may be unnerving. You will be able to close any deals successfully. Difficulties with females you live with could cause emotional stress.

This was my horoscope for Easter Sunday... I just wish that I had read it before all the crap happened.

My mom and I got into a fight, I am getting so sick of just the way that she is. We used to be okay. I mean we got along for the most part and we talked, then she leaves to go and see my bio father in Utah. All of a sudden I remind her too much of him and I get cut off because she realizes she HATES him.

I decided this was just happening for now and the fact that she was randomly calling my best friend and taking her out and talking to her was okay. I mean I thought it would all be done and over soon enough.

Nope.

Well it kept going and going and anytime she did talk to me about some lame thing like I don't even know, some everyday topic, I realize I can't stand to talk to her or anything.

I felt bad.

Who wouldn't?

I think it was just my reaction to being dismissed so easily.

Anyway the arguement.

I finally tell her I can't stand the way she has to overreact to everything and how snotty she can be.

Well I can tell you that parents do not like to have their faults pointed out to them.

(My step dad later asks how do I think she felt being told she is a snob all the time? The answer I gave is I know how it feels because I am constantly being told by her and yes it's crappy.)

Well then I tell her I don't want to talk to her, she tells me I am going to talk to her because she is my mother. Hmm well I say what I have to but then decide what is the point? She isn't going to see things my way. She doesn't want to. So I stop talking and all of a sudden apparently I am telling her she is a crappy parent/person, blah blah blah, then all of a sudden I am being told I am moving in with my bio father in Utah.

Whatever.

Last night she told me she hates me.

She doesn't want to talk to me or see me.

I am the mistake.

I can't do anything.

I am the fucking lying bitch.

I stayed up crying last night trying to will myself to sleep.

That doesn't work in cases like this.

I guess this is just what is supposed to be.

Everything happens for a reason?
Me at my finest 04-17-06 11:59
Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||||||||||| 46%
Stability |||||| 30%
Orderliness |||| 20%
Accommodation |||||||||||||| 56%
Interdependence |||||| 30%
Intellectual |||||||||| 36%
Mystical |||||| 30%
Artistic |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Religious |||||||||| 36%
Hedonism |||||||||||||| 56%
Materialism |||||||||||| 50%
Narcissism |||| 16%
Adventurousness |||||| 30%
Work ethic |||||||||| 36%
Self absorbed |||||||||||| 50%
Conflict seeking |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Need to dominate |||||||||||| 43%
Romantic |||||||||||||| 56%
Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 63%
Anti-authority |||||||||| 36%
Wealth |||| 16%
Dependency |||||||||||||||| 70%
Change averse |||||| 23%
Cautiousness |||||||||| 36%
Individuality |||||||||||| 43%
Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 70%
Peter pan complex |||||| 23%
Physical security |||||||||||| 50%
Physical Fitness |||||||||||| 50%
Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 63%
Paranoia |||||||||||||||| 63%
Vanity |||||| 30%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||| 70%
Female cliche |||||||||||||| 56%
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com
trait snapshot: messy, irritable, depressed, fragile, worrying, emotionally sensitive, does not like to lead, phobic, weird, suspicious, low self control, paranoid, frequently second guesses self, dependent, unproductive, introverted, weak, strange, unassertive, submissive, familiar with the dark side of life, feels invisible, rash, vain, anti-authority, heart over mind, low self concept, disorganized, not good at saving money, avoidant, daydreamer, unadventurous
I am so tired 02-03-06 13:18
I want to sleep all the time and I eat everything that is within reach and it is making me sick of myself. I have issues. Since starting this little pill that will supposedly keep me from babies I have not stopped eating. I don't remember eating this much before and I am pretty sure I wasn't. Oh well. I will just have to learn to live with it. I should go to class but I'd rather not and I think instead that I will call in and say that I am working on something else. I guess that will work. I am just not wanting to write the paper that I am supposed to be doing. I think I will go into the drawing class because they are drawing people and that is so much fun! All right I will go do that now. Bye kids!
1. Appreciate all that your body can do. Every day your body carries you closer to your dreams. Celebrate all of the amazing things your body does for you --running, dancing, breathing, laughing, dreaming, etc.
2. Keep a top-10 list of things you like about yourself -- things that aren’t related to how much you weigh or what you look like. Read your list often. Add to it as you become aware of more things to like about you.
3. Remind yourself that “true beauty” is not simply skin-deep. When you feel good about yourself and who you are, you carry yourself with a sense of confidence, self-acceptance, and openness that makes you beautiful regardless of whether you physically look like a supermodel. Beauty is a state of mind, not a state of your body.
4. Look at yourself as a whole person. When you see yourself in a mirror or in your mind, choose not to focus on specific body parts. See yourself as you want others to see
you -- as a whole person.
5. Surround yourself with positive people. It is easier to feel good about yourself and your body when you are around others who are supportive and who recognize the importance of liking yourself just as you naturally are.
6. Shut down those voices in your head that tell you your body is not “right” or that you are a “bad” person. You can overpower those negative thoughts with positive ones. The next time you start to tear yourself down, build yourself back up with a few quick affirmations that work for you.
7. Wear clothes that are comfortable and that make you feel good about your body. Work with your body, not against it.
8. Become a critical viewer of social and media messages. Pay attention to images, slogans, or attitudes that make you feel bad about yourself or your body. Protest these messages: write a letter to the advertiser or talk back to the image or message.
9. Do something nice for yourself -- something that lets your body know you appreciate it. Take a bubble bath, make time for a nap, find a peaceful place outside to relax.
10. Use the time and energy that you might have spent worrying about food, calories, and your weight to do something to help others. Sometimes reaching out to other people can help you feel better about yourself and can make a positive change in our world.
I am going to go through another wonderful month where I am going to hate everything and everyone and scream at people for talking to me. It will be most excellent I am sure. I guess the good news is I am not going to make the same mistake as my mother and get myself stuck with a baby! Happy New Year! That is as far as my happy really goes. Yay! Now can I just die and possibly start over?
Tear 01-04-06 12:00
There aren't any "good guys" out there, are there? They are just some myth. Or there is something very appealing about me to everyone that really should be in either rehab or in very intensive therapy. Something must be wrong with me...
In the car passing people or walking on the street, when a car passes me, I wish I could switch places with them. Ever just wish something like that? I wonder how much better things would be if I could just switch and not have to put up with MY life anymore. Start over with a whole new life. Is that so wrong?
Kisses in the backseat 12-20-05 07:02
My boyfriend FINALLY is home!
I missed him so much and so it didn't matter that I had to go get him in Seattle at 11pm-ish and not get home till an hour before I had to get up for school. (Thank God that there was ice to cancel school!) It was WONDERFUL to get to see him again. I didn't even realize how much I missed him till now. Oh well but it was wonderful. And I think that this time apart was good
Run 12-16-05 13:51
I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all i've done.

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Anywhere from here

Light up, Light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
It makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do.

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower, slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess.

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear.
Such Great Heights 12-13-05 10:04
I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
And true, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home

They will see us waving from such great
Heights, 'come down now,' they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
'come down now,' but we'll stay...

I tried my best to leave this all on your
Machine but the persistent beat it sounded
Thin upon listening
That frankly will not fly. you will hear
The shrillest highs and lowest lows with
The windows down when this is guiding you home
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